I Struggled with Math My Whole Life: Will My Child Inherit My Fear?
A mother who always struggled with math shares her journey of breaking the cycle. Learn how math anxiety affects children, why it's not genetic, and proven strategies to help your child love math even if you never did.
I still remember the nightmares. The night before every math test in middle school, I would dream about staring at problems I couldn't solve, the clock ticking down, my pencil frozen in my hand. I failed Algebra twice. I cried in the bathroom after geometry finals. I chose my college major specifically to avoid any math requirements. For thirty-five years, I accepted that I was simply "not a math person." Then my daughter Emma was born, and a new fear emerged: What if she inherits my math anxiety? What if I accidentally pass on my fear? What if she suffers like I did? This fear consumed me as Emma approached kindergarten. I read everything I could find about math anxiety and made a startling discovery that changed everything: math ability is not genetic, and more importantly, neither is math fear—unless we accidentally transfer it. Today, Emma is in 4th grade and loves math. She calls it her "puzzle time" and asks for extra problems to solve. This article is my journey from math-phobic parent to math-supportive mother, and everything I learned about breaking the cycle of math anxiety.
My Math Trauma: Understanding Where It Started
To break the cycle, I first had to understand my own math story. My earliest math memory is from 2nd grade: standing at the blackboard, unable to solve 7 + 8, while classmates giggled. My teacher said, "Some children just aren't good at numbers." Those words became my identity. Throughout elementary school, I was placed in "slower" math groups. In middle school, I was told I should focus on "language arts where you're strong" rather than "struggling with math." By high school, I had completely internalized the belief that math and I were enemies.
Research shows that being labeled "not a math person" in childhood creates lasting psychological barriers. Children who receive such labels perform worse even on problems they could previously solve—a phenomenon called stereotype threat.
The Science of Math Anxiety: What Research Really Shows
When Emma was 3, I started researching math anxiety obsessively. What I found surprised me and gave me hope. Math anxiety is real—it activates the same brain regions as physical pain. But here's the critical finding: it's not inherited genetically. Studies of identical twins raised apart show that math ability and math anxiety are primarily shaped by experience and environment, not genetics.
- •No "math gene" has ever been identified despite decades of research
- •Brain plasticity means mathematical thinking can be developed at any age
- •Math anxiety is learned through experiences and social messages
- •Children of math-anxious parents only struggle when parents transmit anxiety behaviors
- •Positive math experiences can override negative family patterns
How Parents Accidentally Transfer Math Fear
This was the hardest part to learn: the ways I might accidentally communicate my math fear to Emma without saying a word. Research identified several transmission pathways that I recognized in my own behavior.
Facial Expressions and Body Language
When Emma brought home her first math worksheet, I felt my shoulders tense. I didn't say anything negative, but she noticed. "Mommy, why did your face change?" Children are incredibly perceptive. They read our nonverbal cues and interpret them as information about the world.
Verbal Cues and Seemingly Innocent Comments
I caught myself saying things like: "Math was never my thing," "Let's ask Daddy—he's better at numbers," "I know math is hard, sweetie," and "Don't worry, I couldn't do that either." Each comment, meant to be sympathetic, actually communicated that math difficulty was expected and acceptable.
Avoidance Behaviors
I realized I had been modeling avoidance: using calculators for simple math in front of Emma, passing math homework help to my husband, expressing relief when I "didn't have to do math" for something. Children learn what we model, not what we say.
A University of Chicago study found that children of math-anxious parents only showed decreased math performance when parents frequently helped with homework. The anxiety transferred through the helping interactions, not through genetics.
My Transformation: Becoming a Math-Positive Parent
Armed with this research, I made a commitment: I would not let my math fear become Emma's math fear. This required changing both my behaviors and, more challenging, my own beliefs. Here's the strategy I developed.
Step 1: Rewriting My Own Math Story
Before I could help Emma, I had to address my own math trauma. I started with simple acknowledgment: "I had negative math experiences, but that doesn't define my ability or Emma's." I began doing basic math puzzles—not to become a mathematician, but to prove to myself that I could engage with numbers without panic.
Step 2: Controlling My Physical Responses
I practiced keeping my body relaxed when math came up. Before helping with homework, I would take three deep breaths. I trained myself to smile when Emma mentioned math. It felt fake at first, but over time, my genuine anxiety decreased.
Step 3: Changing My Language
I created a list of phrases to use instead of my automatic negative responses. Instead of "Math was never my thing," I said "Math is interesting—let's figure this out together." Instead of "Let me ask Daddy," I said "Let me think about this with you." Instead of "Don't worry, it's hard," I said "Challenges help our brains grow stronger."
Step 4: Making Math Visible and Fun
I started pointing out math everywhere: "Look, we need to figure out how many plates for dinner!" "Can you help me count the apples?" "What shape is that building?" I made math a normal, interesting part of life rather than a dreaded school subject.
Practical Strategies That Worked for Our Family
The "Wonder" Approach
When Emma encountered a math problem, instead of teaching or explaining, I learned to say "I wonder..." This kept the focus on curiosity rather than right/wrong answers. "I wonder what would happen if we tried counting by twos?" "I wonder if there's another way to solve this?" "I wonder why that answer didn't work?"
Celebrating Mistakes
This was revolutionary for me. In our house, mistakes became "brain builders." When Emma got something wrong, we would say "Great mistake! Your brain just grew!" I even shared my own mistakes: "Oops, I added wrong! Let me try again." Modeling mistake recovery was more valuable than modeling perfection.
Process Over Product
Instead of asking "Did you get it right?" I learned to ask "How did you think about that?" The journey matters more than the destination. Emma learned that her thinking process was valuable, regardless of whether she reached the correct answer immediately.
The Soroban Discovery
When Emma was 6, a friend introduced us to Soroban—the Japanese abacus. This was transformative. For me, seeing math as physical movements rather than abstract symbols made it less intimidating. For Emma, it made numbers tangible and fun. We started with the Sorokid app, and for the first time, I was actually enjoying "doing math" with my daughter.
Soroban and other manipulatives work because they engage spatial reasoning rather than triggering the verbal anxiety pathways. If numbers on paper make you panic, try physical or visual approaches instead.
What If You're Already Showing Anxiety?
Maybe you're reading this and thinking "It's too late—I've already said negative things about math." Good news: it's never too late. Children are resilient, and you can explicitly address the shift.
I had this conversation with Emma when she was 7: "Emma, I want to tell you something. When Mommy was little, I had some scary experiences with math that made me not like it. But I've been learning that math isn't scary—it's actually pretty interesting. I'm sorry if I ever made you think math was something to worry about. Let's explore it together from now on." She hugged me and said, "It's okay, Mommy. We can both learn."
The Role of the Other Parent
My husband is comfortable with math, which created a dynamic I had to manage carefully. It would have been easy to always defer to him, but that would have communicated that math is only for some people. Instead, we made sure I was equally involved in math activities, even when it was harder for me.
We also had to coordinate our approaches. He learned not to say "Let me show you the easy way" (implying my way was wrong) and instead supported my "wondering" approach even though it was slower than direct instruction.
Signs Your Child Is Developing Math Confidence
- •They attempt problems without asking "Is this right?" after each step
- •They say "I don't know YET" instead of "I can't do this"
- •They show you multiple ways they tried to solve something
- •They engage with math activities voluntarily
- •They aren't devastated by wrong answers
- •They ask math-related questions outside of homework
- •They explain their thinking, not just their answers
Warning Signs to Watch For
Even with best efforts, children can still develop math anxiety from school or peers. Watch for these signs: stomach aches on math test days, extreme frustration with minor mistakes, avoidance of math homework, statements like "I'm just not good at math," or panic when math is mentioned.
If your child shows severe math anxiety—physical symptoms, crying, or complete shutdown—consider working with a learning specialist or educational psychologist. Math anxiety is treatable, and early intervention is most effective.
What I Wish I'd Known Sooner
Looking back at my journey, there are insights I wish someone had shared with me earlier. Your math ability is not fixed. I've improved my own math confidence significantly in adulthood, proving that "not a math person" was a story, not a fact. Children don't need you to be good at math. They need you to be curious about math, supportive during struggle, and willing to learn alongside them.
The way you respond to mistakes matters more than any lesson. How you react when your child gets something wrong shapes their entire relationship with challenge and learning. Small daily moments matter more than big interventions. Counting stairs, dividing pizza, noticing patterns—these micro-math moments build more confidence than any workbook.
Emma's Story: Breaking the Cycle
Today, Emma is 9 years old. She placed in the top 20% of her grade on the state math assessment. More importantly, when I asked her how she feels about math, she said, "I like it because it's like solving puzzles. And when I get stuck, I know I just need to try a different way."
She doesn't know about my nightmares, my failures, my years of math fear. She only knows a mother who is curious about numbers, who celebrates mistakes, and who believes math is for everyone. The cycle is broken.
Resources for Math-Anxious Parents
- •Books: "Mathematical Mindsets" by Jo Boaler, "What's Math Got to Do with It?"
- •Apps: Sorokid for visual math learning, other game-based math apps
- •Websites: YouCubed.org for research-based math activities
- •Mindset: Carol Dweck's work on growth mindset applies directly to math learning
- •Support: Parent groups for math anxiety are available online
A Message to Every Math-Anxious Parent
If you're reading this with a knot in your stomach because you recognize yourself, please know: your math past does not have to be your child's math future. You have the power to break the cycle. It starts with believing that you can, even when it feels impossible. I was you. I am still working on my own math relationship. But every day, I choose to show up for Emma with curiosity instead of fear. And it's working. You can do this too.
Ready to build your child's math confidence with visual, stress-free learning? Sorokid's Soroban-based approach makes math tangible and enjoyable—perfect for families breaking the anxiety cycle.
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