My Two Children Learn Math Completely Differently—Same Parents, So Different: A Mother's Discovery
When one child excels at math while the other struggles, parents often feel confused and frustrated. A mother's journey discovering how to adapt her teaching approach for two very different learners.
My older daughter Emma is in third grade and has always earned 9s and 10s in math. My younger daughter Lily just started first grade and cries every time we sit down to do math homework. Same parents. Same household. Same 'teaching style.' Completely different outcomes. For months, I was bewildered and frustrated. Why did the approach that worked beautifully for Emma fail so spectacularly with Lily? The journey to answer that question taught me more about learning, parenting, and education than any book ever could—and transformed how I support both my children.
The Approach That Worked for One, Failed for the Other
When Emma was learning math, I explained concepts verbally, walked her through examples, and had her practice problems. She listened, understood quickly, and rarely needed repetition. I thought I had figured out how to teach math effectively. I was a 'good' math parent.
Then came Lily. I used the exact same approach—verbal explanations, examples, practice. But Lily's eyes would glaze over. She'd fidget. She'd say 'I don't get it' before I even finished explaining. When she tried problems, she'd guess randomly, get frustrated, and eventually dissolve into tears. Our homework sessions became dreaded battles.
My Mistake: I assumed that what worked for one child would work for both. I was teaching to MY preferred style, not to each child's actual learning needs.
The Question That Changed Everything
One day, in desperation, I stopped trying to teach and just observed Lily. How did she naturally engage with the world? When did she seem most focused and happy?
I noticed that Lily learned her favorite songs by dancing to them, not just listening. She understood stories better when acting them out. She remembered things she touched and manipulated. Meanwhile, Emma could learn from lectures and books with no problem.
The lightbulb moment: Emma was primarily an auditory learner. Lily was kinesthetic and visual. They needed completely different approaches.
Understanding Learning Styles: A Quick Overview
While the concept of fixed 'learning styles' is debated in educational research, what's clear is that children have different preferences and strengths for processing information:
| Style | Characteristics | Math Learning Approach |
|---|---|---|
| Auditory | Learns through listening, talking, verbal explanation | Verbal explanations, thinking aloud, discussing problems |
| Visual | Learns through seeing, diagrams, images, spatial understanding | Charts, diagrams, color coding, visual manipulatives |
| Kinesthetic | Learns through movement, touch, hands-on activity | Physical objects, movement games, building, acting out |
| Reading/Writing | Learns through written words, notes, lists | Written instructions, workbooks, note-taking |
Most children use a mix, but many have strong preferences. Mismatches between teaching style and learning preference create unnecessary struggle.
How I Adapted for Emma (Auditory Learner)
For Emma, my natural approach already worked. But I refined it to leverage her auditory strengths even more:
- •I explain concepts verbally with rich detail and stories
- •We discuss problem-solving strategies out loud together
- •She explains her thinking back to me (teaching solidifies learning)
- •We use math songs and rhymes for facts she needs to memorize
- •I ask her to 'think aloud' when solving problems
- •Audiobooks and podcasts about math concepts supplement learning
How I Adapted for Lily (Visual-Kinesthetic Learner)
For Lily, I had to completely redesign my approach. What worked:
- •Physical manipulatives: blocks, counters, beans—things she can touch and move
- •Drawing problems: visualizing word problems as pictures before solving
- •Movement integration: jumping to count, walking number lines, acting out scenarios
- •Color coding: different colors for different operations or concepts
- •The Soroban/Sorokid app: visual bead representation she can manipulate
- •Shorter explanations with more doing: show, don't tell
- •Games and activities instead of worksheets
- •Building things that involve math (measuring, counting, patterns)
Key Discovery: Lily wasn't 'bad at math.' She was bad at learning math through methods that didn't match how her brain works. When I changed the approach, she started thriving.
The Soroban Connection
One of our most successful interventions was introducing Lily to Soroban through the Sorokid app. The visual bead representation combined with the tactile element (even on a screen, she's 'moving' beads) matched her learning style perfectly. She could SEE numbers as bead configurations rather than abstract symbols, and the movement aspect engaged her kinesthetic needs.
Interestingly, Emma also enjoys Sorokid, but for different reasons—she likes the mental challenge and the achievement system. Same tool, different appeal.
Beyond Learning Styles: Other Differences I Discovered
Learning style wasn't the only difference between my daughters. I also noticed:
Different Processing Speeds
Emma processes quickly and gets impatient with repetition. Lily needs more time and benefits from revisiting concepts multiple times in different ways. Neither speed is 'right'—they just need different pacing.
Different Emotional Relationships With Challenge
Emma sees challenge as exciting—she wants harder problems. Lily initially saw challenge as threatening—evidence that she 'couldn't do it.' I had to build Lily's growth mindset explicitly while Emma already had one.
Different Attention Spans
Emma can focus on math for 30+ minutes. Lily's productive attention for seated work is about 10 minutes before she needs movement. Our sessions had to be structured very differently.
Different Motivations
Emma is motivated by achievement, grades, and being 'right.' Lily is motivated by fun, connection, and immediate enjoyment. Rewards and incentives that work for one don't work for the other.
The Comparison Trap
One of my biggest struggles was avoiding comparison—both in my own mind and in my daughters' awareness. It's hard not to think 'Emma got this so easily—why can't Lily?' It's hard not to let frustration show. And it's essential that Lily never feels like she's being compared unfavorably to her sister.
Strategies that helped me avoid the comparison trap:
- •Celebrating each child's progress against their own baseline, not each other
- •Never saying 'Your sister could do this when she was your age'
- •Acknowledging areas where Lily excels that Emma doesn't
- •Working with each child separately when possible
- •Reframing 'different' as interesting, not problematic
What I Learned About 'Fair' vs. 'Equal'
An important parenting lesson emerged: fair doesn't mean equal. Fair means each child gets what they need, which might be very different things.
| Situation | Equal Approach | Fair Approach |
|---|---|---|
| Learning time | Same 30 minutes for both | Emma: 30 min continuous; Lily: 3×10 min sessions |
| Teaching method | Verbal explanation for both | Emma: verbal; Lily: visual/hands-on |
| Difficulty level | Same problems for both | Appropriate challenge for each child's level |
| Emotional support | Same response to struggle | Emma: space to work it out; Lily: more encouragement |
| Tools | Same resources for both | Different tools based on learning preferences |
Practical Tips for Parents With Different Learners
If you're navigating similar territory, here's what I wish I'd known earlier:
- •Observe before teaching: Watch how your child naturally learns and engages with the world
- •Experiment with different approaches: Try visual, auditory, and kinesthetic methods to see what resonates
- •Separate learning time: Work with each child individually when possible
- •Resist comparison: Each child's journey is their own
- •Adjust expectations: Different children may progress at different rates—that's okay
- •Find tools that match each child: What works for one may not work for the other
- •Build on strengths: Use each child's natural abilities as entry points
- •Be patient with yourself: Adapting to different learners takes time and practice
One Year Later: Two Different Math Journeys
Today, both my daughters are doing well in math—but 'doing well' looks very different for each. Emma continues to excel with traditional approaches, eagerly tackling advanced problems. Lily has transformed from crying over homework to actually requesting math games. Her approach is more hands-on, more visual, more playful—and it works for her.
Neither approach is superior. They're both valid paths to mathematical understanding. My job wasn't to make Lily learn like Emma; it was to help Lily learn like Lily.
Final Thought: Children from the same family can be as different as children from different planets. Recognizing and honoring those differences isn't lowering standards—it's raising effectiveness.
Every child learns differently. Sorokid's visual, interactive approach works for various learning styles—try it with your children to see how each one responds.
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