Why My Child Won't Listen When I Teach Math (And What I Was Doing Wrong)
The teacher says she's cooperative in class. But at home, she argues and cries when I help with math. I thought she was being difficult—turns out, the problem was me.
'She listens to her teacher perfectly. Why does she argue with everything I say?' I asked myself this constantly. Every homework session became a battle. I'd explain something, she'd push back. I'd correct her, she'd cry. I'd get frustrated, she'd shut down. I blamed her for being difficult. It took months to realize: the problem wasn't her behavior—it was my approach.
What Homework Time Looked Like in Our House
Every evening followed the same script:
- •Me: 'Let's do your math homework.'
- •Her: 'I'm tired.'
- •Me: *starts explaining the problem*
- •Her: *yawning, looking away*
- •Me: 'That's wrong. Do it this way.'
- •Her: 'That's not how my teacher does it!'
- •Me: *getting frustrated* 'Just listen to me!'
- •Her: *crying*
- •Both of us: *exhausted, upset, hating math*
I couldn't understand it. Her teacher said she was attentive, cooperative, eager to learn. At home? The opposite. I concluded she was disrespecting me, taking advantage of the fact that I'm her mom, not her teacher.
The Realization That Changed Everything
A friend who's a child psychologist listened to my venting and said something that stopped me cold:
'She's not misbehaving. She's SAFE with you. At school, she performs. At home, she can be herself—including showing frustration, tiredness, and resistance. That's actually healthy. The question is: how can you create a homework environment that works WITH her feelings, not against them?'
It hit me hard. I'd been interpreting her resistance as defiance. But she was actually showing me her authentic emotional state—something she couldn't do at school.
Why Children Behave Differently With Parents vs. Teachers
1. Emotional Safety
Children 'perform' at school because they're in a formal environment with social expectations. They hold in stress, fatigue, and frustration. At home, with the people who love them unconditionally, they release all of it.
2. Role Confusion
Mom is comfort, safety, love. Teacher is instruction, discipline, learning. When Mom becomes Teacher, kids get confused. 'Why is my safe person correcting me? Why does she sound frustrated?'
3. End-of-Day Depletion
After 6-8 hours of school, kids are mentally exhausted. Their best focus was used up in class. What's left for homework is the dregs. Expecting 'school behavior' at 7pm is unrealistic.
4. Higher Standards, Higher Stakes
Parents often expect MORE from their own children than teachers do. We correct more, push harder, show disappointment more visibly. Kids feel this pressure and resist it.
What I Was Doing Wrong
Looking back with fresh eyes, I identified my mistakes:
Mistake 1: Treating Homework Like a Classroom
I sat her down, lectured, expected attention. But home isn't school. She needed comfort first, then learning.
Mistake 2: Correcting Too Quickly
The moment she got something wrong, I jumped in to fix it. This felt critical, not supportive. She heard 'you're wrong' constantly.
Mistake 3: Showing Frustration
I thought I was hiding it. I wasn't. My sighs, my tone, my body language all screamed 'you're frustrating me.' She felt it.
Mistake 4: Ignoring Her Feelings
When she said 'I'm tired,' I heard excuses. I should have heard: 'I need a break before I can focus.'
Mistake 5: Teaching Differently Than Her Teacher
I showed her 'my way' which conflicted with school methods. No wonder she was confused and defensive.
How I Changed My Approach
Change 1: Reconnect Before Work
When she comes home, we have snack time first. We talk about her day. No mention of homework until she's regulated and reconnected.
Change 2: Ask, Don't Tell
Instead of: 'That's wrong. Do this.' I now say: 'Hmm, tell me how you got that answer?' This keeps her thinking without feeling attacked.
Change 3: Match Her Teacher's Methods
I asked her teacher how concepts are taught at school. Now I support that method, not my own preferences. Consistency helps.
Change 4: Let Apps Do the Teaching
I stopped being the instructor. Educational apps explain concepts; I just provide encouragement. This removed the parent-as-teacher conflict entirely.
Change 5: Shorter Sessions
Instead of one 45-minute session, we do three 10-minute blocks with breaks. Matches her actual attention span.
The Transformation
Within a few weeks of these changes:
- •Crying during homework: nearly eliminated
- •'I'm tired' complaints: reduced (I honor them when they happen)
- •Arguments about methods: gone (I match the teacher now)
- •My frustration: dramatically lower
- •Her attitude toward learning: improved
- •Our relationship: stronger
The biggest change: She started coming to me with math questions VOLUNTARILY. That never happened when homework time was a battleground.
When to Seek Outside Help
Some situations need more than parental approach changes:
- •Persistent resistance: If battles continue despite changes, consider tutoring
- •Learning differences: Extreme frustration may indicate undiagnosed ADHD, dyslexia, etc.
- •Severe anxiety: If homework causes panic attacks or physical symptoms, consult a professional
- •Relationship damage: If you can't break the negative pattern, a neutral third party (tutor) may help
A Message to Parents in the Trenches
If you're in nightly homework wars, I want you to know:
- •You're not a bad parent for getting frustrated
- •Your child isn't 'bad' for resisting
- •The dynamic CAN change (it did for us)
- •Sometimes the answer is stepping BACK from teaching, not pushing harder
- •Your relationship matters more than any single homework assignment
The fact that your child shows you their difficult feelings means they trust you. That's a gift, even when it doesn't feel like one. Honor that trust by adjusting your approach, not demanding they 'behave' like they do for strangers.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if my spouse can teach them fine but I can't?
This happens! Let the parent with better homework chemistry take that role. Or alternate days. The goal is homework getting done peacefully, not proving you can do it.
My child says 'the teacher does it differently' as an excuse. Is she manipulating me?
Probably not manipulation—it's genuine confusion when methods differ. Verify with the teacher. If methods truly conflict, defer to school approaches for consistency.
Should I just let them fail if they won't cooperate?
For young children, natural consequences of incomplete homework (teacher feedback) can be informative. But don't weaponize failure. The goal is building intrinsic motivation, not punishing resistance.
Tired of homework battles? Sorokid lets the app do the teaching while you focus on encouragement. Visual soroban lessons, adaptive practice, and progress tracking—no more parent-as-teacher conflicts.
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